Give yourselves and your children the best gift!

The best gift? Put your spouse first. Plain and simple.

Paul and I try to get away, really away for a weekend at least twice a year. And, we actually believe that we should do this quarterly. AND, we try to get away for a week together once a year. I remember clearly when we were given that advice. We went to an American Family Services marriage weekend in Valley Forge PA. I was pregnant with Scott- so that means it must have been in the fall of 1986. The teaching couple shared that that was one of their best pieces of advice. They challenged us to test it. And test it we did, and proven it is! We love to get away together - without friends, just the two of us! and our kids never seemed to mind. In fact, they even seemed more secure. They knew that we were actually protecting our family.

We just returned from a weekend to the Hudson Valley, NY. We stayed at Captain Schoonmaker's bed and breakfast. Lovely! No TV! It just forced us to talk and reconnect....

Give yourselves this gift! Test it for your own relationship - find how true it is!

Enjoy the pictures from our weekend away. (Next time I will add "us" in those pics for you!)

The wedding ring - a tribute to a long and happy marriage....

Our eldest is now married. Kurt married Stephanie on July 8, 2009! What a lovely wedding! What an amazing couple! They had quite a few pictures taken of their wedding rings. One was with their grandmothers' hands holding the rings. Those aged hands - filled with many memories, hard work and love - holding brand new, shiny wedding rings.

I want to share an exerpt with you about wedding rings from "Ohio Weddings" by Beth Laughner. This is a story about a couple who had been married for a while.... "Nathan's wedding ring. (Judi had found it.) Carefully she lifted the ring and held it between her fingers. The beaded edge was slightly worn and Judi smiled sadly. The jeweler had explained that over the years the edging of their matching rings would eventually wear down into a radiant, shiny gold ---- a tribute to a long and happy marriage......" So, my beloved readers, when you look at your wedding rings, remember the covenant you made to each other. Honor that covenant, and you too, will have radiant, long and happy marriages.

This is a picture of Paul's wedding band. It used to be brushed gold - it is now shiny and smooth! How cool is that?

Your man is not a mind reader... and neither are you!

If you assume that your mate can read your mind, or guess what you are thinking, or buy you the perfect gift, or understand how you are feeling, or understand why you are angry, annoyed, happy or sad - then you are committing "assumacide!" You are going to "kill" your relationship with that one assumption!

It will take you a lifetime to know the inner workings of your mate's heart and mind. So, don't force your mate to figure you out. You need to communicate your feelings - good and bad - in order to grow closer to one another.

In fact, as I ponder why I believe this so strongly, I realize that it would be very boring if I knew exactly what Paul was thinking, feeling, wanting..... I enjoy listening to him, asking him questions, and essentially getting to know him....really know him.

I used to think that Paul should know exactly what I wanted for a gift, or where I wanted to go to dinner, or what he had said that so hurt me. If he loved me, he would know these things - right? WRONG!

Don't force your mate to guess..... take the time and energy to explain your thoughts and feelings. Study one another. It will take time... but the time will be well worth it. Trust me - I love getting to know Paul better and better.....

More about the "plumb lines"......

I just returned from my oldest son's wedding week. He and his bride are so good together. They have started to establish those "plumbs" to keep their relationship strong and sure!

Their wedding was at the beach in South Carolina. It was beautiful. The ocean amazing....but it made me ponder again, this idea of establishing plumb lines for our marriage relationships. The ocean- the undertow- was constantly pulling me away from our spot on the beach. I had to look up often and get myself back to the right spot. If I forgot to look up, I lost plumb. And, it was harder to return. And, I have to admit, I got scared sometimes when I realized how far away from plumb that I was!

So beloved ones - keep looking up! Keep marking off the "plumb lines" for your marriages. You will be blessed - I promise. This is "tried and true" advice!

Establish Your "Plumb Line"

I'm not really sure where we heard this nugget of truth.  I think it was at a marriage conference we went to when I was pregnant with Scott (it is amazing how you measure time by your children's events :).  Anyway, this is excellent advice and Paul and I have lived by this one!

   So - what is a plumb line?  Well, a plumb is a weight attached to a line to determine whether or not something is on true vertical.  If you are "out of plumb" or "off plumb," you are off vertical, or true.  In marriage words - if you are out of plumb, if you are sensing that you are not right or true, then you need to make an adjustment to get back on plumb - back on true!  And believe me, there are many "things" that push you off plumb; work, other family members, money woes, not enough time. etc etc etc.

Some of our "plumb lines" are: weekly date nights, praying together everyday, phoning each other everyday, going on annual or preferably semi-annual retreats away-just for the two of us, going to church together, never going to bed angry, and going over our budget weekly.  (There are some intimate plumb lines too!)  Those are a few of the ones that stand out for me right now.  We have decided as a couple that these are some of the "things" that will keep us true. keep our marriage strong, straight, vertical.

Do we pray absolutely every day?  Do we go out every single week alone? Absolutely not!  Stuff happens! We get busy and preoccupied with other things.  We get lazy.  Or, we get plain old tired.  However, because we have established our own "plumb lines" we recognize when we get off plumb more readily.  That is the value!

Wikipedia has another definition for a plumb line: A plumb line is a line regarded as directed exactly toward the Earth's center of gravity.  So establish your marriage's plumb line!  And be sure that you are always pointing that plumb to the Way, the Truth and the Life! (John 14:6)  He is your Center and holds you together!

 

 

 

plumb. (2009). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

Retrieved June 26, 2009, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/plumb

Picture retrieved June 26, 2009 from www.elizabethharperneeld.com

Never let the sun go down on your anger... continued

The phrase, "Never let the sun go down on your anger..." can actually be found in the Bible. It is in Ephesians 4:26. The footnote in my Study Bible says that "no anger should outlast the day." This must be important and holding on to anger must happen, or it wouldn't be addressed in the Word.
So, I wanted to comment on this topic through two blog entries because I believe that sometimes we naively think that some issues are just not important enough to make a big deal about.
If you do not address the little "issues" in your relationship, they will grow. Trust me - I have seen it happen in many, many relationships. If you sweep enough "issues" under the rug, you will end up with a huge pile that will continue to grow and actually be more difficult to clean up than if the "issue" was brought up and discussed. That pile of "issues" eventually becomes a very thick wall that is very difficult to penetrate. Don't be naive enough to think that you are above that fact.
My beloved ones, if you sense a "wall" between you and your spouse - bring it up, talk about it, get it out in the open so you can deal with it. I love you so very much.... and I am praying for all the sunsets in your lives.... may they be times of refreshment, renewal, and growth.
By the way, Paul and I resolved the "issue" that night - he was relentless - and I remembered our promise to each other....

Never let the sun go down on your anger...

When Paul and I were engaged, one of the foundations of marriage that we wanted to be in agreement about was dealing with disagreements. We knew that two people coming together would have communication woes. So - we agreed that we would never go to sleep if there was any kind of anger or "wall" between us. We vowed that no matter what it took, we would resolve our differences before we fell asleep.
And let me tell you, so far we have lived by this phrase....except once. I cannot remember what we were fighting about, but I remember clearly lying on my side with my back towards Paul. He asked me, "So you are not angry? And we have settled this disagreement?" I shot back, "Yes!" He continued, "So the sun will not go down on your anger?" I clipped, "Right!" Now, I knew I was still angry (and stubborn) and Paul knew I was still angry. We both knew we had not resolved the disagreement......tune in for my next post as I continue this story and how it got resolved.

And, my beloved ones, ponder why this is a good adage to have for your marriages. Discuss it with your intended or your spouse.