The greatest needs and hopes of a man...

"According to Dr. Smalley, the greatest needs of a man are 1) to feel respected and admired, 2) to be loved and desired, and 3) to enjoy sexual intimacy regularly and consistently. His hope is that his intimate encounters with his wife will reflect her desire rather than her obligation. Unfortunately, this hope is often deferred until he first fulfills his wife's hopes and needs." (pg. 47, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by S. K. Scott)







In the post before this one, I relayed a woman's greatest needs. They do not match a man's greatest needs. This difference in expectations can wreak havoc in any marriage. When our expectations are not met, our hopes get squashed. Unless we each make the other's hopes, needs, desires, and concerns a top priority we will have a mediocre marriage. I do not want a mediocre marriage. I want a marriage that my children and my children's children can count on as foundational for their families and relationships.


Oh Beloved ones, take the time and energy to fulfill the hopes of your spouses rather than deferring them.


Remember -

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick: But desire fulfilled, is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12


Have I told you beloved readers that I love you lately??? well i do.. and i pray for you regularly!!!

The greatest needs and hopes of a woman...

As I continued to read from Mr. Scott's book, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived," I found a section on pages 46 -48 that I felt compelled to share with my beloved children, friends, readers....

Mr. Scott relates that "According to relationship expert, Dr. Gary Smalley, the four greatest needs of a woman are 1) emotional and physical security, 2) the need for regular and consistent communication, 3) nonsexual touch, and 4) romance. Each night when a husband comes home, his wife (sometimes without even knowing it) hopes that these needs and desires (hopes) will be addressed and fulfilled. They want to feel the security of his love and commitment; the safety of being able to express their feelings and opinions without being interrupted or criticized.....They want to feel valued for who they are, and not just for what they do.

And how do husbands defer their hopes?"

As I read this exerpt I pondered about this idea of deferred hopes. Do I need those things that Dr. Smalley talks about being my four greatest needs? I do know that when my husband understands my needs and acknowledges them, that our relationship moves forward in a stronger way. I also wonder, what are my husband's greatest needs? Do I defer his hopes?

Check out my next post, as I write about men's greatest needs as per Dr. Gary Smalley.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I have been reading "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by Steven K. Scott. I just have to share a short section with you on marriage and "hope." Mr. Scott states that hope is not a wish. It is much more powerful than that. Solomon's (writer of Proverbs) concept of hope can be defined as "a well-founded and confident belief that a specific vision (goal, desire, or promise) will be achieved or fulfilled within a specified amount of time." This "hope" is a kind of perpetual fuel that powers our dreams and aspirations. Do you hear that beloved readers? A kind of PERPETUAL fuel - a fuel that powers our mental and emotional health. However, we must make that vision well-defined. A vague vision or goal or promise does not propel us!

Now listen to this - "We create the seeds of hope in others by stating or implying commitments. These commitments create a vision. If we fail to fulfill those commitments in a timely manner, we then defer others' hope. They lose their energy and motivation. Moreover, they lose their trust in us. The consequences of deferring hope in others can even lead to the death of a relationship." (pg. 43)

I looked up the word "defer" and it means to postpone, delay, put off. If you want to put a hole in your marriage's fuel tank, then delay telling your spouse you love him/her. Postpone that special phone call or date night. Put off talking. Keep doing those things, and you will have no more fuel left in your marriage. You will defer hope.....

But if you want to fuel your marrige and fly and soar, then make your commitment, vision, goals, and promises specific and well-defined.

More on this in my next blog.....

When the storms, troubles and trials come....

Please take careful note - I did not say IF the troubles and trials come. I said WHEN the troubles and trials come. In our marriages we will have troubles and trials. It will seem impossible to talk to each other. We will see things differently because we view life from different perspectives.

Decide now!
How will you react or respond to each other when those difficulties come. Will you choose to allow the tough times to grow you closer as a couple? Will you decide that you will run to one another when troubles come, or will you decide to blame each other?

What will be your defense?

Will you say that divorce is an option? I heard a story the other day about an engaged couple who was going through pre-marital counseling. The pastor they were counseling with asked the couple, "When things get really tough, and you feel like it is just too difficult, what will you do?" The man responded, "Then we get a divorce." Hmmmmmm - What do you suppose his bride was thinking? Is this commitment?

So, when the storms and troubles come - decide now - what will be your strategy to get through them? How will you go through those "storms" together and come out the other side stronger and closer than you ever thought possible?

Ask each other those questions. Perhaps on your next "date" night, you could discuss how you are doing in this area....

Beloved readers - you have yet another choice; will you discuss your strategies to protect your marriages or not? As you decide to protect your marriages, as you go through those storms together, you will see the "rainbow" at the end of every storm! I promise!

I'm sorry......powerful words!

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry?" Yet, these are very powerful words for any relationship. In fact, they are relationship builder words. They certainly never break down a relationship. I have found that when Paul and I are having a disagreement and we have come to a standstill....if one of us says, "I'm sorry" - the conversation begins again. It is not compromising yourself, or taking the blame... it is all about being genuinely sorry. Sorry that we are fighting, disagreeing, can't agree..... Sorry that I cannot understand your perspective.... Sorry with the hope of reconciliation and resolve. Oh beloved readers, it is humbling to say "I'm sorry." But I have always found, that when I humble myself - I can see more clearly.

I have also found that when Paul says "I'm sorry" - I just cannot stay as angry or stubborn as I was...... It's all about strengthening your relationships. "I'm sorry" are words that strengthen - truly!

(Photo retrieved from http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb224/dbarsne/sorry.jpg)

Whew! Do not let time steal from you!

I cannot believe it has been since August 13 that I have blogged! Time certainly has a way of getting away from us. We can so easily lose track of time.

So - this thought goes extremely well with this entry!

This is taken from "Now You're Speaking My Language" by Gary Chapman:

"When a couple recognizes more

distance than intimacy,

more separateness than togetherness,

more selfishness than love,

and thus....

more aloneness than unity,

they are at a crossroads,

A decision has to be made;

continue the road of separateness and aloneness,

OR

regain the ground that has been lost

AND

conquer the ground that was never theirs.

THIS IS CALLED COMMITMENT."

To me, it is also called TRANSFORMATION. We have the choice to transform bad habits into habits that are "life habits." Choices to make time for one another, to examine our relationships, to decide that you will grow a strong relationship.. for each other, for those "watching," for your loved ones.

Listen beloved ones, when we make the choice to ignore caring for our relationships, we will effect others..... and ourselves...... Ignorance never builds a relationship!

Gary Chapman talks about the transformation of the inner man so you can gain a measure of freedom from self-centeredness and experience something.....something of the love and joy... that comes from connecting with your mate.

.....an example of the abounding love of Christ.....

So - pay attention to the signs...pay attention to your relationships - you will be blessed, I promise.