Jana is engaged to be married!!!

Our only daughter is engaged! Her fiance asked us the day after Thanksgiving, 2009. Paul and I had an idea that he was going to ask us first for our blessing. So, on our annual "day after Thanksgiving breakfast walk" - Paul pondered, "What do I want to say to Adam when he asks us for our blessing?" I thought Paul was being his usual fun self and wanted to make a "smart" remark. I was wrong. Paul explained to me that this was much too serious for that kind of reply. His "baby girl" is going to have another man to take care of her. (Amazing how one can be married to a person for so long and misread them!!) Anyway, Paul decided that he wanted to let Adam know that he has our blessing, however, he needs to be sure that this is forever... a forever commitment/covenant. Therefore, if divorce happens, it is like death. Death to not only their relationship, but death to our relationship with Adam... our sons' and their wives' relationships with him.....

So - after Adam said, "I am so thankful that you have welcomed me into your family and that you love me like a son. I would like to make this relationship permanent by marrying your daughter."

Paul said, "Adam, we are so proud of you and of course you have our blessing... Just make sure that you are ready and willing to make this commitment for life. It takes hard work, but worth every single effort... more than worth it!"

.....then we all prayed together.......

Thankful for my husbud!

Hello my beloved readers!

It has been a while since I have blogged. Yet, I think frequently about ways to be sure that I am growing my marriage. I have to confess that I have been taking my precious husband for granted! Life is just so busy. He is always there, and I truly forget about thanking him! He keeps loving me unconditionally!

So - be sure to tell your spouse frequently that you are thankful for them.... for their presence, for their teamwork with you, for their steadfastness... thank them!

This willful act of thankfulness actually makes you love them more. You are reminded of why you married them.

So - enjoy each other... thank each other... and continue to grow in your love!

Enjoy!

Laugh Often....

I smile as I write that title, "Laugh often." My husbud has the greatest ability to get me to laugh. He makes me laugh at him and often times at myself. There is something special and intimate about laughing together. And, physiologically, well just take a look at this link to give you an idea of how valuable laughter is to your well-being. http://helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm

Now you may ask, "How do we laugh when we don't think we have anything to laugh about." hmmmmmm Watch this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64eht-rUakE

And remember, don't take yourselves too seriously - enjoy and laugh together!!!

With joy to my precious readers!!! Remember, the joy of the Lord is my strength!!

Listen! Watch out for the "bumps of dirt under your marriage rugs!"

Oh my beloved ones - Please listen to this piece of advice. Always - share your thoughts, cares, resentments, anger, frustration, hurts etc with each other. You don't have to yell at one another to express your emotions - but you do need to discuss your feelings. That would be anything that "bothers" you. If you think, "Oh, this is just small. I don't need to bring it up. I can just sweep it under the rug." Then, you will be in for lots of bumps of dirt under your marriage rug. Your foundation will be very bumpy and it will be harder and harder to clean it out. In fact, there may come a time, when it is unfixable. Trust me precious ones, keep discussing until you are back in synch with your mates.

What happens to a marriage of mothering and not partnering?

So what happens if you continue to be the "mother" to your man? Well, you nag, and try to "mother" and forget how to be a partner. That is what happens. By the time you are married for 30 years (or 10 years, or 10 months), you wonder why your husband is not participating in your marriage. That is what happens.

It all starts with your husband doing the dishes, and you don't like the way he does them. You tell him. He gives up because he can't please you. So you make sure that you do them all the time - then you get tired. Your husband dresses the kids when you are at work. You come home, or see them and say - How could you dress them this way? He gives up.... This scenario gets repeated and repeated. Sometimes I really think that we women think that our husbands should know. They do not. We need to express ourselves - heart to heart to our men. We need to talk to our men as their woman and not their mother.

Does this make sense to you?

A mother or a friend, soul mate, lover....partners for life!

To my precious sons and daughters and beloved readers.... I am not sure if I ever told you this story about the propensity we women have to "mother" our men... so here goes:

When Dad and I were first married, I wanted to do everything for him. If he liked chocolate chip cookies, I made dozens. If he wanted something, I bought lots. I thought I needed to do all the wash, I needed to do all the cooking and cleaning and take care of my man!!! Thank God your Dad is so very wise. I can remember vividly when he sat me down for a heart to heart talk. He said, "Kathy, I am not incapable. I am a participating member of this relationship. I want to be a part of this team. And we are a team. So please do not mother me." That is all he needed to say. I got the point! From that point on, we worked as a team. That first year of marriage, we did everything together. If I cooked, he helped, or he cleaned up and vice versa. We did the wash together - great memories of going to the laundramat - loading the car, folding the wash - just enjoying our time together. We were growing our partnership and have not stopped! I love being a partner with Paul for sure!!!

I have watched many marriages disintegrate into a mother/child relationship, rather than a rich shared partnership. I'll be talking about this in my next blog...

Which type of relationship will you build?

The greatest needs and hopes of a man...

"According to Dr. Smalley, the greatest needs of a man are 1) to feel respected and admired, 2) to be loved and desired, and 3) to enjoy sexual intimacy regularly and consistently. His hope is that his intimate encounters with his wife will reflect her desire rather than her obligation. Unfortunately, this hope is often deferred until he first fulfills his wife's hopes and needs." (pg. 47, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by S. K. Scott)







In the post before this one, I relayed a woman's greatest needs. They do not match a man's greatest needs. This difference in expectations can wreak havoc in any marriage. When our expectations are not met, our hopes get squashed. Unless we each make the other's hopes, needs, desires, and concerns a top priority we will have a mediocre marriage. I do not want a mediocre marriage. I want a marriage that my children and my children's children can count on as foundational for their families and relationships.


Oh Beloved ones, take the time and energy to fulfill the hopes of your spouses rather than deferring them.


Remember -

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick: But desire fulfilled, is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12


Have I told you beloved readers that I love you lately??? well i do.. and i pray for you regularly!!!

The greatest needs and hopes of a woman...

As I continued to read from Mr. Scott's book, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived," I found a section on pages 46 -48 that I felt compelled to share with my beloved children, friends, readers....

Mr. Scott relates that "According to relationship expert, Dr. Gary Smalley, the four greatest needs of a woman are 1) emotional and physical security, 2) the need for regular and consistent communication, 3) nonsexual touch, and 4) romance. Each night when a husband comes home, his wife (sometimes without even knowing it) hopes that these needs and desires (hopes) will be addressed and fulfilled. They want to feel the security of his love and commitment; the safety of being able to express their feelings and opinions without being interrupted or criticized.....They want to feel valued for who they are, and not just for what they do.

And how do husbands defer their hopes?"

As I read this exerpt I pondered about this idea of deferred hopes. Do I need those things that Dr. Smalley talks about being my four greatest needs? I do know that when my husband understands my needs and acknowledges them, that our relationship moves forward in a stronger way. I also wonder, what are my husband's greatest needs? Do I defer his hopes?

Check out my next post, as I write about men's greatest needs as per Dr. Gary Smalley.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I have been reading "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by Steven K. Scott. I just have to share a short section with you on marriage and "hope." Mr. Scott states that hope is not a wish. It is much more powerful than that. Solomon's (writer of Proverbs) concept of hope can be defined as "a well-founded and confident belief that a specific vision (goal, desire, or promise) will be achieved or fulfilled within a specified amount of time." This "hope" is a kind of perpetual fuel that powers our dreams and aspirations. Do you hear that beloved readers? A kind of PERPETUAL fuel - a fuel that powers our mental and emotional health. However, we must make that vision well-defined. A vague vision or goal or promise does not propel us!

Now listen to this - "We create the seeds of hope in others by stating or implying commitments. These commitments create a vision. If we fail to fulfill those commitments in a timely manner, we then defer others' hope. They lose their energy and motivation. Moreover, they lose their trust in us. The consequences of deferring hope in others can even lead to the death of a relationship." (pg. 43)

I looked up the word "defer" and it means to postpone, delay, put off. If you want to put a hole in your marriage's fuel tank, then delay telling your spouse you love him/her. Postpone that special phone call or date night. Put off talking. Keep doing those things, and you will have no more fuel left in your marriage. You will defer hope.....

But if you want to fuel your marrige and fly and soar, then make your commitment, vision, goals, and promises specific and well-defined.

More on this in my next blog.....

When the storms, troubles and trials come....

Please take careful note - I did not say IF the troubles and trials come. I said WHEN the troubles and trials come. In our marriages we will have troubles and trials. It will seem impossible to talk to each other. We will see things differently because we view life from different perspectives.

Decide now!
How will you react or respond to each other when those difficulties come. Will you choose to allow the tough times to grow you closer as a couple? Will you decide that you will run to one another when troubles come, or will you decide to blame each other?

What will be your defense?

Will you say that divorce is an option? I heard a story the other day about an engaged couple who was going through pre-marital counseling. The pastor they were counseling with asked the couple, "When things get really tough, and you feel like it is just too difficult, what will you do?" The man responded, "Then we get a divorce." Hmmmmmm - What do you suppose his bride was thinking? Is this commitment?

So, when the storms and troubles come - decide now - what will be your strategy to get through them? How will you go through those "storms" together and come out the other side stronger and closer than you ever thought possible?

Ask each other those questions. Perhaps on your next "date" night, you could discuss how you are doing in this area....

Beloved readers - you have yet another choice; will you discuss your strategies to protect your marriages or not? As you decide to protect your marriages, as you go through those storms together, you will see the "rainbow" at the end of every storm! I promise!

I'm sorry......powerful words!

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry?" Yet, these are very powerful words for any relationship. In fact, they are relationship builder words. They certainly never break down a relationship. I have found that when Paul and I are having a disagreement and we have come to a standstill....if one of us says, "I'm sorry" - the conversation begins again. It is not compromising yourself, or taking the blame... it is all about being genuinely sorry. Sorry that we are fighting, disagreeing, can't agree..... Sorry that I cannot understand your perspective.... Sorry with the hope of reconciliation and resolve. Oh beloved readers, it is humbling to say "I'm sorry." But I have always found, that when I humble myself - I can see more clearly.

I have also found that when Paul says "I'm sorry" - I just cannot stay as angry or stubborn as I was...... It's all about strengthening your relationships. "I'm sorry" are words that strengthen - truly!

(Photo retrieved from http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb224/dbarsne/sorry.jpg)

Whew! Do not let time steal from you!

I cannot believe it has been since August 13 that I have blogged! Time certainly has a way of getting away from us. We can so easily lose track of time.

So - this thought goes extremely well with this entry!

This is taken from "Now You're Speaking My Language" by Gary Chapman:

"When a couple recognizes more

distance than intimacy,

more separateness than togetherness,

more selfishness than love,

and thus....

more aloneness than unity,

they are at a crossroads,

A decision has to be made;

continue the road of separateness and aloneness,

OR

regain the ground that has been lost

AND

conquer the ground that was never theirs.

THIS IS CALLED COMMITMENT."

To me, it is also called TRANSFORMATION. We have the choice to transform bad habits into habits that are "life habits." Choices to make time for one another, to examine our relationships, to decide that you will grow a strong relationship.. for each other, for those "watching," for your loved ones.

Listen beloved ones, when we make the choice to ignore caring for our relationships, we will effect others..... and ourselves...... Ignorance never builds a relationship!

Gary Chapman talks about the transformation of the inner man so you can gain a measure of freedom from self-centeredness and experience something.....something of the love and joy... that comes from connecting with your mate.

.....an example of the abounding love of Christ.....

So - pay attention to the signs...pay attention to your relationships - you will be blessed, I promise.

Give yourselves and your children the best gift!

The best gift? Put your spouse first. Plain and simple.

Paul and I try to get away, really away for a weekend at least twice a year. And, we actually believe that we should do this quarterly. AND, we try to get away for a week together once a year. I remember clearly when we were given that advice. We went to an American Family Services marriage weekend in Valley Forge PA. I was pregnant with Scott- so that means it must have been in the fall of 1986. The teaching couple shared that that was one of their best pieces of advice. They challenged us to test it. And test it we did, and proven it is! We love to get away together - without friends, just the two of us! and our kids never seemed to mind. In fact, they even seemed more secure. They knew that we were actually protecting our family.

We just returned from a weekend to the Hudson Valley, NY. We stayed at Captain Schoonmaker's bed and breakfast. Lovely! No TV! It just forced us to talk and reconnect....

Give yourselves this gift! Test it for your own relationship - find how true it is!

Enjoy the pictures from our weekend away. (Next time I will add "us" in those pics for you!)

The wedding ring - a tribute to a long and happy marriage....

Our eldest is now married. Kurt married Stephanie on July 8, 2009! What a lovely wedding! What an amazing couple! They had quite a few pictures taken of their wedding rings. One was with their grandmothers' hands holding the rings. Those aged hands - filled with many memories, hard work and love - holding brand new, shiny wedding rings.

I want to share an exerpt with you about wedding rings from "Ohio Weddings" by Beth Laughner. This is a story about a couple who had been married for a while.... "Nathan's wedding ring. (Judi had found it.) Carefully she lifted the ring and held it between her fingers. The beaded edge was slightly worn and Judi smiled sadly. The jeweler had explained that over the years the edging of their matching rings would eventually wear down into a radiant, shiny gold ---- a tribute to a long and happy marriage......" So, my beloved readers, when you look at your wedding rings, remember the covenant you made to each other. Honor that covenant, and you too, will have radiant, long and happy marriages.

This is a picture of Paul's wedding band. It used to be brushed gold - it is now shiny and smooth! How cool is that?

Your man is not a mind reader... and neither are you!

If you assume that your mate can read your mind, or guess what you are thinking, or buy you the perfect gift, or understand how you are feeling, or understand why you are angry, annoyed, happy or sad - then you are committing "assumacide!" You are going to "kill" your relationship with that one assumption!

It will take you a lifetime to know the inner workings of your mate's heart and mind. So, don't force your mate to figure you out. You need to communicate your feelings - good and bad - in order to grow closer to one another.

In fact, as I ponder why I believe this so strongly, I realize that it would be very boring if I knew exactly what Paul was thinking, feeling, wanting..... I enjoy listening to him, asking him questions, and essentially getting to know him....really know him.

I used to think that Paul should know exactly what I wanted for a gift, or where I wanted to go to dinner, or what he had said that so hurt me. If he loved me, he would know these things - right? WRONG!

Don't force your mate to guess..... take the time and energy to explain your thoughts and feelings. Study one another. It will take time... but the time will be well worth it. Trust me - I love getting to know Paul better and better.....

More about the "plumb lines"......

I just returned from my oldest son's wedding week. He and his bride are so good together. They have started to establish those "plumbs" to keep their relationship strong and sure!

Their wedding was at the beach in South Carolina. It was beautiful. The ocean amazing....but it made me ponder again, this idea of establishing plumb lines for our marriage relationships. The ocean- the undertow- was constantly pulling me away from our spot on the beach. I had to look up often and get myself back to the right spot. If I forgot to look up, I lost plumb. And, it was harder to return. And, I have to admit, I got scared sometimes when I realized how far away from plumb that I was!

So beloved ones - keep looking up! Keep marking off the "plumb lines" for your marriages. You will be blessed - I promise. This is "tried and true" advice!

Establish Your "Plumb Line"

I'm not really sure where we heard this nugget of truth.  I think it was at a marriage conference we went to when I was pregnant with Scott (it is amazing how you measure time by your children's events :).  Anyway, this is excellent advice and Paul and I have lived by this one!

   So - what is a plumb line?  Well, a plumb is a weight attached to a line to determine whether or not something is on true vertical.  If you are "out of plumb" or "off plumb," you are off vertical, or true.  In marriage words - if you are out of plumb, if you are sensing that you are not right or true, then you need to make an adjustment to get back on plumb - back on true!  And believe me, there are many "things" that push you off plumb; work, other family members, money woes, not enough time. etc etc etc.

Some of our "plumb lines" are: weekly date nights, praying together everyday, phoning each other everyday, going on annual or preferably semi-annual retreats away-just for the two of us, going to church together, never going to bed angry, and going over our budget weekly.  (There are some intimate plumb lines too!)  Those are a few of the ones that stand out for me right now.  We have decided as a couple that these are some of the "things" that will keep us true. keep our marriage strong, straight, vertical.

Do we pray absolutely every day?  Do we go out every single week alone? Absolutely not!  Stuff happens! We get busy and preoccupied with other things.  We get lazy.  Or, we get plain old tired.  However, because we have established our own "plumb lines" we recognize when we get off plumb more readily.  That is the value!

Wikipedia has another definition for a plumb line: A plumb line is a line regarded as directed exactly toward the Earth's center of gravity.  So establish your marriage's plumb line!  And be sure that you are always pointing that plumb to the Way, the Truth and the Life! (John 14:6)  He is your Center and holds you together!

 

 

 

plumb. (2009). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.

Retrieved June 26, 2009, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/plumb

Picture retrieved June 26, 2009 from www.elizabethharperneeld.com

Never let the sun go down on your anger... continued

The phrase, "Never let the sun go down on your anger..." can actually be found in the Bible. It is in Ephesians 4:26. The footnote in my Study Bible says that "no anger should outlast the day." This must be important and holding on to anger must happen, or it wouldn't be addressed in the Word.
So, I wanted to comment on this topic through two blog entries because I believe that sometimes we naively think that some issues are just not important enough to make a big deal about.
If you do not address the little "issues" in your relationship, they will grow. Trust me - I have seen it happen in many, many relationships. If you sweep enough "issues" under the rug, you will end up with a huge pile that will continue to grow and actually be more difficult to clean up than if the "issue" was brought up and discussed. That pile of "issues" eventually becomes a very thick wall that is very difficult to penetrate. Don't be naive enough to think that you are above that fact.
My beloved ones, if you sense a "wall" between you and your spouse - bring it up, talk about it, get it out in the open so you can deal with it. I love you so very much.... and I am praying for all the sunsets in your lives.... may they be times of refreshment, renewal, and growth.
By the way, Paul and I resolved the "issue" that night - he was relentless - and I remembered our promise to each other....

Never let the sun go down on your anger...

When Paul and I were engaged, one of the foundations of marriage that we wanted to be in agreement about was dealing with disagreements. We knew that two people coming together would have communication woes. So - we agreed that we would never go to sleep if there was any kind of anger or "wall" between us. We vowed that no matter what it took, we would resolve our differences before we fell asleep.
And let me tell you, so far we have lived by this phrase....except once. I cannot remember what we were fighting about, but I remember clearly lying on my side with my back towards Paul. He asked me, "So you are not angry? And we have settled this disagreement?" I shot back, "Yes!" He continued, "So the sun will not go down on your anger?" I clipped, "Right!" Now, I knew I was still angry (and stubborn) and Paul knew I was still angry. We both knew we had not resolved the disagreement......tune in for my next post as I continue this story and how it got resolved.

And, my beloved ones, ponder why this is a good adage to have for your marriages. Discuss it with your intended or your spouse.

Women - Stand By Your Man.....

I just love the phrase in that Tammy Wynette song - "Stand by your man! Tell him you'll always love him...."

As you can tell already, this blog entry is really for the women, for my Jana, Stephanie, other future daughters-in-love....my sweet women friends, sisters, nieces.....

I believe strongly that our men need our support, respect, devotion and love. They are men - not perfect, not our saviors, they are men. Who need (it is not a want), need our respect and love. And they need to know that no matter what they do - we will stand by them. We will love them with an unconditional love. We will spur them on to be all that they can be for God. They can be safe with us.....
So girls, stand by your man..... tell him often you will always love him.....









p.s. - Please keep in mind.... if your man is abusing you - get help - but if he is a "regular" guy... stand by him.

You have a choice....

I remember clearly when Paul and I chose the type of marriage we wanted. We decided that we had three choices... we could have a great marriage, a bad marriage or a mediocre marriage. I hope that those who know us can tell that we chose the "great marriage." And, I hope that you all realize that this choice brought along with it a tremendous amount of work, forgiveness, communication, and time. But, it is the best work we have ever done. The rewards are astounding.

Listen carefully, we BOTH had to agree that this is what we wanted. If one person decides this is what they want, and never communicate it to their spouse... it just will not work. It is another one of those things that you have to discuss and agree to as a couple.

Have you ever noticed that anything on earth will always work to decay, unless it is attended to? We have wrought iron railings outside our home. If we do not sand and repaint them, they will rust.. decay. If wood is not treated, taken care of...it will decay. Our houses need attention or they will move to disrepair.. decay. Our teeth, if not taken care of will .... decay. The list of examples goes on and on and on.

Our marriages, if not tended to ..... will decay. So, my beloved ones, make the choice. What kind of marriage do you want to have? What kind of marriage do you want to be remembered for?
What kind of legacy do you want your marriage to leave?

You have a choice to make! Make it wisely and purposely.

Never use the "D" word!

Do you know what the "d" word is? It is "divorce." When Paul and I were married for about 4 years we had our first son, Kurt. It was definitely an adjustment period for us (there are many "adjustment" periods in a marriage :). Anyway, I remember clearly telling Paul that I didn't need him if he was not going to be present in our marriage and in the parenting of our new son. I was very prideful and actually accusatory. I felt that I was doing the "work" of parenting alone. I told him that divorce was a viable option. He very lovingly and with alot of conviction said that it was not an option for him. We were going to work through this "adjustment" time together. And we would be stronger for it. He listened to my concerns, I listened to his and we did come out stronger and closer because of it. Our parenting and commitment to our family became rock solid.
After we got through that "adjustment" period, we agreed (actually we covenanted) that we would never use the "d" word again. That did not mean we would just "suck it up." No - it meant we would take the time and energy and commitment and the hard work to make our marriage foundational.

P.S. If your spouse ever hurts you - physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally - get help immediately. I believe that you are not in a real covenantal marriage when one spouse hurts another.

Love....

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your mind. As you love Him... both of you ..... Loving Him... you will definitely grow closer to one another.

Love of God is foundational. Life will always throw you a "hard ball." If you love Him.. truly trust Him... rely on Him.... your relationship will stay rock solid.

It is like a triangle. You are both on the bottom corners of the triangle. He is at the top point. As your both rely on Him, you will grow closer and closer.. AND the rewards will be phenomenal. Do you want a phenomenal life??? Then trust me... develop, grow, strengthen your relationship with the Lord of Lords. You will not be disappointed!

Love to you all!

Why I am blogging on Marriage Matters....

When I was in college I read a book - "Letters to Karen." It was written by a dad to his daughter as she prepared to be married. I loved the book and cherished the advice. I am now married for over 30 years... and I do have alot of "advice" to share. I have nuggets of wisdom - I believe they will guarantee a precious marriage... not a perfect marriage, but a precious one.

I am writing this blog for my four children - I love you all so very much. Your dad and I have a wonderful marriage... you know that.... and I want to share some of the secrets that have fostered such an amazing relationship.

Read on - if you want a wonderful, amazing, fulfilling marriage.
Read on - if you don't want a mediocre marriage.
Read on - if you don't want a poor marriage.
Read on - if you are dedicated and committed to a life long relationship with your chosen...